Skip to main content

Dad Discovers... Night Feeding

A Simple Guide to Night Feeding.

  1. Prepare a sterilised bottle and a sealed bottle of formula milk ready for feeding. Place next to your bed and congratulate yourself on your outstanding organisational skills before going to sleep.

  2. Get woken up at an indeterminable hour by a baby who unleashes a furious rage within five seconds of opening his eyes.

  3. Frantically pour milk into a bottle and try to delicately screw on the top properly whilst baby’s whole head turns red as he wakes the entire neighbourhood. Fail to do this first time whilst sleep-deprived and the room is in complete darkness.

  4. Baby gets louder and angrier. Try again, but not whilst holding baby as he will likely boot the open bottle all over you and the bed, creating a damp patch that you will then have to sleep in for the rest of the night.

  5. Stick the bottle in the yawning chasm of baby’s gob and try to keep it in whilst baby shoves his hands into his mouth, pushes the bottle away or thrusts his entire body back like he’s been tasered.

  6. Maintain patience while baby stops at regular intervals to shout, gurgle, look around admiring the view or grin at you like a madman.

  7. Put the bottle back in baby’s mouth so he can go back to guzzling with the ferocity of someone who’s been locked in a room without food for a week.

  8. Try to stay awake while feeding slows to a crawl and try not to be annoyed as baby refuses to drink the very last bit of milk, saving it as a souvenir of your time together.

  9. Attempt to burp baby whilst he turns into a sack of potatoes, his head lolling around like he’s just completed a student pub crawl.

  10. Congratulate yourself on feeding your baby just as he throws most of it up again all over your shirt/bed/sofa/relative’s antique Persian rug.

  11. Try to put baby back in his cot where he suddenly opens his eyes again like the end of a bad horror film and recommences his furious rage.

  12. Spend the next half hour putting him back to sleep, muttering baby insults under your breath.

  13. Clear up the disaster scene, change everything you’re wearing for the third time in 24 hours, and consider whose idea it was to have kids in the first place.

  14. Look at your perfect sleeping angel looking completely content and healthy and think ‘I did that’.

  15. Go back to bed to make sure you get your full 3-4 hours of sleep, safe in the knowledge that the next feed is someone else’s problem.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Dad Discovers... The First Few Hours

A Baby "Congratulations!" said the midwife, placing a tiny lump of wrinkly grey flesh on my wife's chest. I was a dad. After nine-and-a-bit months of pregnancy and many hours of labour here was a small person that we had made. A whole life that we'd just created from thin air. I looked at him as he slowly turned from grey to pink, and he looked at me with his dark eyes, sizing me up with an expression that said "So you're going to be my dad then huh? Interesting." I looked at his tiny hands and wrinkled fingers and he gripped my own finger with his hand. I was a dad. We stayed in the hospital for a while longer, I did my first nappy change and despite having prepared for his arrival for a very long time, we just looked at him in slight disbelief that he was there at all.
Leaving Eventually, the medical staff told us we were being discharged and could all go home. By this time he'd been dressed in his first little babygrow and looked much more like …

Dad Discovers... CBeebies

CBeebies is great. Until you have kids you'll probably never have any cause to watch it, but once you do you'll be thankful for the BBC for creating it. It's brilliant. There are, of course, loads of other kids channels out there from CITV to Nickelodeon, Disney Channel to Baby TV, but most depend on a paid subscription of some kind, are predominantly American in content, and are bursting with adverts. CBeebies on the other hand is free (sort of), has no adverts and can generally be relied upon to serve up several hours of good quality content for your sprog.

Needless to say there's a lot of different programmes out there, but these are my current personal Top 10 CBeebies shows.

10) Justin's House The almost reincarnation of Emu's Pink Windmill Show, hosted by the undisputed king of toddler TV, Justin Fletcher. He pops up all over the place on CBeebies but this one is the most fun.

9) Baby Jake Oh look, this family live in a windmill! Ah, here's each membe…

Dad Discovers... Soft Play

“A dungeon horrible, on all sides round… No light; but rather darkness visible served only to discover sights of woe” 
- Description of Hell in ‘Paradise Lost’ by John Milton.
A Great Idea Soft play establishments were one of those things that I was vaguely aware of before having kids, without actually having any interest in. It’s a bit like the way that I’m aware of cricket, ITV Be and Luxembourg and have nothing against them but have no plans on giving them any of my attention.
Flash forward to the present and I’m sitting at home with a small energetic child, it’s raining outside and we desperately need to get him out of the house for a bit. Then we remember that there are mythical play lands specially designed for small children. They have a cafĂ© too, so what’s not to like? We decide to give it a try. Remote for a Reason What sets the tone for these places very early on is their location. Something conveniently located in town? Nope. Something in a leafy suburb overlooking a park? …